Well today would be Leap day not another for 4 more years. Ah well it is a perfect day to remember though, my baby has his DARE graduation today. David has been trying really hard for this and is really proud of himself just as his dad and I are so proud of him.
So it seems like every time something goes my way 10 things go badly right with it. Found out while I was sick the last 2 weeks and couldn't move felt like absolute shit well it turns out that I was having withdrawls from my pain patch.It was miserable then after figuring this out it took a few hours to feel slightly better which was nice but then it took another 3 days to feel much better, but then I had to go to the doctor cause my leg was killing me and it kept going numb, they did an ultrasound on my whole leg and found 3 blood clots one in my knee on in my calf and one in my foot between the 3 of them they are putting pressure on certain nerves and causing the leg to go numb it is insainly crazy and annoying and even painfull. So they gave me 2 shots, one I know was a blood thinner not sure what the other was for, but then sent me home on a blood thinner and left me with strict instructions to stay off of it, they even tried to get me to use a walker again. NOT HAPPENING! I have agreed to use my cane when I am out doing something that can't be avoided, like dropping the kids off at school or picking them up on days that Adger can't get off early enough or has duty. So I will go back in a week and see what they find or don't find and see if they will let me off bed rest which will be awesome because I on advice from Allison got the zumba for the wii and then got an exercise game for the kids.
Oh so we are all learning Latin and about to start American Sign Language as well. Kids are seeming to enjoy the latin lessons we started only 3 days ago and the kids can already count to 20 recognize almost all the numbers in latin, they can also say and recognize most of their colors, and we can say good morning as well. It has been nice with all of them being excited to learn it all.
ah well I have to try to get a nap before I have to be at the school for the DARE graduation.

wrote days ago forgot to publish somehow

So David came home from school today and said he had a good day but there was something in the way that he said it that I new something was wrong but figured it he wanted to talk that he would. So we get home and McKenzie and Jacob go out to play with their friends and David and Kaleb decided that they were gonna play some video games in the house. Adger and I laid down to watch Justified. All seemed so right in our world for a good 30 mins, then David started screaming at Kaleb. Adger not sure what to expect what was about to happen especially after last time went to see what was going on and David ended up yelling at his daddy, probably not meaning to, so of course Adger yelled back. So David in an abundant amount of tears was sent to his room. I gave him a few mins then asked him to join me in my room. He came in and sat on the bed and then laid in my arms to cry. I love my son and I know he loves me but he has not laid like that since he was little. I mean really mom an 11 year old that wanted to curl up in mommy's arms and cry WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? So I let him cry it out for awhile then Adger came in and asked him what was going on and of course he doesn't wanna talk because he is still crying but more of an embarrassed cry cause daddy is in the room. So after talking to him for a bit we find out, and hope that this is all that has been going on with him these last few months that he has been so angry, that he is upset that he isn't being home schooled, mainly because of the part where he doesn't have to get up and get dressed every morning and get ready for school. So we explained to him the things that he gets to do that Kaleb and Jacob wont get to do. Talk about making me feel like a shitty mom! I have a son who thinks that I don't like him because I don't home school him like I do his brothers. Had to explain that Kaleb and Jacob would not do well in a school setting that they just don't have the social skills to be in a regular school. I am not sure if he really understands or if he still thinks that I love them more than him. If you know David you know how utterly impossible that is, he is such a sweetheart he would do anything for anyone. He so reminds me of his Uncle Marshall when he was younger. He also had a big heart and would do anything for anyone. I would give anything for him to turn out like his Uncle Marshall, or his father. I just hope that he can see his own path to get there that doesn't include his anger issues.
So as my night goes on I am so realizing where the anger from my son comes from, HIS FATHER!!! My husband is freaking out that the house is not clean and telling my kids that after dinner they are cleaning the whole house. OMG REALLY! I know they have a chore list but when we are trying to do home work or school work does he just expect me to come and watch them get all of it done. Oh that's right I forgot he does.
After the night I had last night and the day I have had I wish I could just go to sleep and call it a day. I got a couple things going for my this weekend tomorrow gonna go out with the freeman family and go skating. Then on Sunday it is the super bowl, not that I care but David wants to watch it.

Feel like I have gotten slapped in the face

So life has been slapping me in the face left and right, David is failing school but not because he is not smart enough or hell that he hasn't even done the work but he isn't turning it in and we all know he is smart enough to do it. His teacher said he came back from being out for a couple of days with no prep work for a math test and scored and 86 on it could you imagine if he had the study time the rest of the kids had. UGH so having to make deals with him to get him to get his freaking head on straight. McKenzie is just absolutely refusing to do anything for her teachers unless it is something she wants to do. How ridiculous can one little girl be. Course Jacob is being the same way and he is at home with me and I cant get him to do half his work. Kaleb well he will do the work but in absolute protest. I tried going to a friends house to kinda hang out, let the kids play and learn about more cirriculum ideas for next year and my kids had my nerves on a broken piece of sting by the time we finally got home. I was really worried that though my girlfriend knows my kids all have issues was going to be quite mad at me even though my children weren't the only ones there and werent the only ones causing issues. I am most certainly not going to name names or point fingers when I have children who act like mine do.
My doctors only made things worse by putting me on complete bed rest until I am seen again. UH 4 KIDS ASSHOLES THAT DOESN'T REALLY WORK FOR US!!!!! We have gotten lucky enough Adger has been here all month but that hasn't changed the fact that I have to take the kids to and from school and make dinner and get home work done and find clothes for them to wear or that lost shoe when we are already 10 mins late, or teacher conferences or all these damn things that they need volunteers for. Sure the basketball game and cheer leading volunteer thing was easy they made accomidations for me to sit the whole time which was nice I even had my leg up the whole time. But you can only imagine what my house looks like right now. And my wonderful husband says I appreciate that you are finally adhearing to bed rest but you can still give the kids a job to do as far as cleaning and they can get it done. Uh Adger I would like you to meet Kaleb, David, Jacob, and McKenzie they would be our children ya know the ones you have to stand over to get anything done and you think it is easy from bed. HA you try it. Managed to get Jacob to come help me go through a bunch of clothes that I need to get rid of that have made a mountain in my room and instead of being even the least bit appreciative Adger threatens to throw Jacob's things away because he wasn't cleaning his own room. So I explain what happened and then I get yelled at for not remembering that Jacob was supposed to clean his room today. I am beyond tired of being treated like a child. I am for everyones sake obeying doctors orders to the best of my damn obility for the first time in years and am still getting life all wrong. (at least according to my husband)
Oh and my new favorite (if ya don't wanna know about my sex life don't read the next paragraph) is that one of the medicatons my doctor has put me on is totally preventing me from having an orgasm. WONDERFUL right! about the only thing I can look forward to being in bed and I can't even get that. And believe me it is not for lack of trying, Adger is the best lover I have ever had and if he knows that my meds are doing this to me he will try til I tell him to give up, however this is the second time that this has happened so I haven't told him what is going on, probably not the brightest idea I have had right now but what difference is it going to make even if he knows I wont get one which is probably why I have so much built up tension. And believe you me I have made sure we have tried almost everyday for 2 and a half weeks. So you would think my husband would have to be one of the happiest men alive right now, I mean how many men can say after 4 kids that his wife wants to have sex everyday more than once a day at that? Not to many.
Anyway now that I have stopped the cymbalta the involuntary muscle spasms have stopped and I don't feel so much like I am in my own little dark corner much anymore. I am still very depressed and I am pretty sure that being stuck in bed has nothing to do with it. Something else just seems so off in me and I don't know what it is. I wish I could figure it out and make it go away or just cut that part out of me. I did tell them though that the depression meds would make it worse and no one would listen. Ah well I am coming out of that little funk. Happy to start being me again.
Well off to bed gotta get up early tomorrow thanks goodness we have a 3 day weekend.
Rant more tomorrow!

Midnight escapade

So fun fun, Kaleb and I went shopping at Walmart at 145am yesterday morning. We didn't have any food for breakfast so I was gonna stop up at Walmart as soon as we got paid but love Bank of America they didn't release our funds until almost 2 but I wasn't gonna go until I was sure the money was there. Well surprise surprise, not only did we get out pay check we also got Kaleb's SSI payment and our state taxes, course I told Adger that would happen, filed both our federal and our state at the same time but there was a delay on the federal for anyone who filed before the 26th which sucks. But anywhoo so we went and picked up pj's for pajama day for Kenzie and David and got them slippers too. Got some food, and a couple of movies, we got the 2nd season of Burn Notice for Kaleb (he got the first season for Christmas) but he cant find the first one. We got the 3rd season of Big Band Theory, which is cool cause other than MASH, it is something Adger has gotten into watching with me. I also bought the first season of Justified not only to watch but to replace the one my mother lent me. I felt bad because I haven't been able to find it and I didn't want her to be out a season. So we finished up at Walmart, checked out at 300, got home got everything put away and went to bed. We got up at 7 surprised the 2 with their new pj's and slippers. Got them off to school and then had to run out to Norfolk and get new stickers for the van to be able to get on base. Then finally got to go meet up with a friend for lunch and then went to the home school store to try and pick out a new curriculum for the boys next year, I am gonna go back out there today with out Kaleb because he really rushed me through what I was trying to do. He was really good though considering another friend came in with all 7 of her little ones and they sure were making a lot of noise. I was really surprised he did so well. He even played with the kids. But after about 45 mins he was ready to go so I managed to get him a math course but that was about it, I found a history course I am interested in for both boys I am gonna have to look it up on line cause they were out of the first level. So anyway we searched everything we came home with including the truck and couldn't find any of the movies we bought, I was so pissed of. I mean after having been at Walmart at 2 in the morning when all the crazy people get their food stamps money and go out shopping in the middle of the night. Course on this night/morning I was one of them LOL. So I called the store and told them that I didn't have my movies when I got home, they asked if I remembered what register I checked out at, nope not at 3 in the morning I didn't. But then told me just bring in the recipt and they would check the tapes. What the hell did the tapes have to do with it? So I got up there and after running around in circles telling my story 7 or 8 times they told me to go pick out my movies again. When I went to pick them out I could tell that someone had put my movies back. They also gave me a gift card for 40 bucks due to their stupidity!

Well I have gone to get kids from school and am now back in bed where they have me for awhile til I can get some of this swelling down out of my leg, if I stand for more than 15-20 mins my foot starts changing colors all over again.
Took a short break from typing and finished homework with McKenzie, David still has to finish a project because yet again his teacher didn't give specific information on how it needed to be done so he has to redo it. I am so tired of projects and much less having to redo projects.
So while on the topic of David, I will tell you a little more about him. David is a child with a huge heart, he is the most caring, loving, giving child I have ever met in my life. However with that he also has the worst anger problem too. And half the time he has no idea why he is angry, he just is. And he will take it out on everyone but me. He also wont show it at school. David has been diagnosed with ADHD and a comprehension problem, I don't remember what it is called but it has something to do with the fact that he was born so early. For those who don't know David was born at 32 weeks which is 2 months early. He was only 4 pounds 9 ounces. He was really tiny.
Lately our biggest problem has been school, he is not doing so well. He says everything is confusing and it is hard, so half the time instead of showing us his work he hides it and doesn't tell us he has it to do. Like a project that was due this past week, I didn't know anything about it until the day before it was due and when Adger and I asked him about it he said it was done or at least almost done and he and his group would finish it the next day, oh yeah meant to say it was a group project. So the day after it was due the teacher comes to me and tells me that David didn't do anything for the project. Can't believe she waited until the day after the damn thing was due to say anything to me if she had been watching him do nothing for the 2 weeks the project was assigned why didn't she say anything then? I will finish that story later because there is so much more to that that is driving my brain nuts. The rest of his work we can check and he some how doesn't have all of it done even with us checking it, I just don't understand how that can happen. So then we discuss both of us checking his agenda and so we are both signing and all the work still isn't getting done. And I am not sure how that is possible unless on her side she is not checking what he writing down for homework. Course I am sure she is thinking that I am not checking it on my part. So we are at a cross roads, we have a meeting with the principal and the teacher on Thursday, we aren't sure why, she said it had to do with his progress, so then we got his report card today and it wasn't horrible I mean he had one grade drop from a b to an f, but some of his other grades actually came up even if it was from an F to a D+ that is better than nothing.  But other than that we really never have any problems with David other than like I said his anger. He gets mad at Jacob a lot but then again they all do. He does this growl yell thing at everyone when he is angry. But he is also finally figuring out how to destress some, he plays basketball by himself when he is angry, we were waiting on Adger at the school one day and David ran the playground because he was mad at Jacob. So like I said he is figuring some of it out on his own.

So now back to the story about his teacher telling me that afternoon about him not doing his part of the project. I get home after school and after she tells me about him not doing anything for the project. I start getting texts from another parent telling me how her son and David were put in the same group for this project and how she wanted to know why David didn't do his part of the project. How it was unfair to her son that David didn't do his part of the project. Oh yeah now let me explain about this so called group project, first each child was graded individually no one child's grade effected another child's grade, so if one child didn't do their part of the project it didn't effect another child in anyway. And the groups decided who did what part of the project, not the teacher. So in a 4 person group with 5 parts to a project, David got stuck with 2 parts of this project to do, still not sure how that happened except for the fact that David is usually a pushover when it comes to other kids so they probably talked him into it with him not realizing what he was getting into or not knowing how to tell them he didn't want to. So anyway I am not only trying to figure out why she is asking about what my son did or didn't do for his part of the project, but who the hell told her that he didn't. So we argue for awhile over texts which is probably stupid on my part but I ask her who told her what David did or didn't do and she has the nerve to tell me that I was the one who told her. WHAT!!!!! Her original text said why didn't David do his part. I was beyond pissed, I figured out then that it was the teacher who told her. So why the hell is the teacher talking about David's school work with anyone? So that will be something that I bring up at this meeting on Thursday cause I will not have anyone discussing David's work or the lack there of without my permission, especially with this one parent who has an opinion on everything that happens with my kids or myself.
Ok so I think I have bitched enough for now I will get back on here and write about Jacob next and that is gonna be fun cause boy is he 5 handfuls!

My mother always told me my kids would be 10 times worse than me..

Ya know when you are a kid and your mom tells you that she can't wait til you have kids to understand, or how she warns you that when you have kids she hopes that they will give it to you 10 times worse than what you gave to her. Man was it ever thrown at me like 400 times over. I have 4 kids and I love them to death and would do anything for them, but they can be so very tiring on a daily basis. My oldest, Kaleb who is 12,  has aspergers, and O.D.D. (oppositional defiant disorder), Adhd, and they say he has bipolar but I am not sure he is at an age where he can be properly diagnosed with it so usually we just don't say anything about the bipolar especially since all the characteristics of bipolar fall under his Asperger diagnosis. He alone does fine most of the time, just don't ask him to do any chores or homework (he is home schooled) He expects us to just let him sit around and play video games or watch TV all day. I love the kid but I am just not sure how to get through to him sometimes. His aspergers causes all kinds of social issues which in some cases limits the amount of outings we can go on, he doesn't do well in really crowded places or really loud places he also can't go to places with bright lights but hates the dark too. There are even particular noises that hurt his ears, ya know those holographic things like puzzles or cups or pictures and that cool noise it makes when you scratch on it, well he can hear it a mile away and it huts him so bad I have seen him with his fingers in his ears and falling to his knees it was really causing that much pain. He doesn't get along with a lot of people. He can easily get into fights with people over nothing. I personally can ask him to do his chores and he blows up or he breaks down. he refuses to talk or he mumbles grumpily under his breath to where you can't understand what he says. And it is not as if I am asking him to do anything new or harder than usual. But if it isn't what he wants to do then he just wont do it. Now don't get me wrong  love this kid even through all of his eccentric personalities, I am just trying to give you an idea of what we go through on a daily basis. So I try my hardest to make things easier for him and help him every step of the way, try to help him understand why he acts the way he does or understand why he says things that he can't control saying sometimes. And that is just Kaleb...

I will get around to explaining the rest of them but Kaleb was just getting on my nerves when I started this, then half way through the child comes in my room and says mom ya wanna watch M.A.S.H. with me. It is amazing the way he can be sometimes it is almost like a woman either pregnant or going through menopause. He is a great kid though and I love him dearly. 

Well gotta go teach history for a bit when I come back I will explain about my other 3 kids and then maybe you will understand the 400 times worse.
  

So my doctors tell me I am depressed (like that has changed since I was 15 duh clinically depressed is clinically depressed) it might be best to put my thoughts down so I don't blow up and hurt someone. I use to try to keep a diary but I kept loosing the book and by the time I found it again it had been years and I had lost all interest in writing in it at that point in time. However if you choose to read this then you are choosing to realize that I will not watch my mouth, these are my opinions, if I am talking about anyone specifically that I feel might read this I will put their name in if I am talking about them I have no reason to talk about anyone behind their backs, otherwise I am just venting and it is not of any real concern. I am however always welcome to advice if you feel you might have some. Soooooooooo Here We Go!

I have been diagnosed with CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome in my left leg. There is no cure for this, basically I am being told I will be in pain the rest of my life. They can try to make me more comfortable with pain medications and have offered me a few other options that are scaring the hell out of me to think about. I have to watch a DVD on a device that they would implant into my hip but has a rod that gets connected to the nerve endings in my spine. They have also discussed yet another nerve block, which I am not sure I even want to have done since both the doctor and I are sure that it wont do anything to help in the first place. So until then they have me on quite a bit of medication that I have had to learn to take on a specific schedule just to make sure I can take care of my children. I can't take it when I am going to need to drive the car or if we are going to have a long haul with homework to do. I have people who make all kinds of comments about the types of medications I am on and how they are not appropriate for someone who is taking care of children. Or the people who accuse me of only claiming to be in pain for the medications, and the ones who say there is no way I am in as much pain as I say I am in. Or how I am constantly complaining of pain. Well guess what I don't give a rats ass what you think about my pain or the medication that goes along with it. I have days where the pain is just bareable enough to make it through the day. This last week I have been in pain that has been so unbareable this last week my children saw something I hoped they never would, they had to watch me roll around in pain crying and screaming in my pillow. Not something I antisipated and ever wanted to happen I prefer not to scare my children and that is just what I did and it really sucks. But you do what you gotta do when you are the only one around taking care of the kids. Oh yes I didn't mention, that not only am I the mother of 4 children but I am also a Navy wife, so my husband is not home a lot. Like this last week where I woke up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and fell getting up out of bed because I had no feeling in my foot, it swelled up so bad it had turned blue. I managed to not only go to the bathroom but wake up all my sleeping children and get us all to the ER so it could be checked out. Just to be sure I didn't have anymore blood clots in my leg causing this new issue. Luckily there were not any and    when we finally left the hospital it was almost 930 am. My husband was gone and I had but no choice to take my kids with me. I am very capable even on this medication to raise my kids. I don't like to be told different. I don't any mother likes to be told they can't take care of their own children. Anything as simple as a new mom being told she is doing it wrong to a mom with 4 kids oldest 12 youngest 7 and being told I was crazy to have woken all my kids up to go to the ER. If I am doing it so damn wrong how did my children make it to 12, 11, 9, and 7? But that is for a different blog!

I talked to my mom today who is the one person who I have always felt that no matter the pain I can talk to about it and she always shows me sympathy when it is needed and yells at me when it is needed or even when I feel it may not be needed but it is how she is expressing she is scared for me being on all this pain medication. I know she loves me and she always will but I also know that there are only so many times you can tell a person you hurt or you are in pain before you feel like they are tired of hearing it. So most of the time I keep it bottled up inside and I don't tell anyone how bad it is hurting and I trudge through whatever it is that has to get done. Usually makes things hurt more and then I still have no one to talk to about it. I am at a point where I don't even know how I get through a day without screaming at the top of my lungs or crying my eyes out at least twice a day. I pray a lot and I don't expect an answer right away because that would just be stupid. I know even that takes time in itself. I have gotten my own little miricale from God once with all this pain. I was in such unbareable pain and I was in the hospital waiting for my pain meds and had a screw sticking out of the side of my knee and it was taking forever for the nurse to come in with the medication. I began to pray the Our Father over and over and over again and my pain began to subside I said that prayer for like an hour even after the nurse had finally come in and given me the shot I still prayed. I figured if God had heard my cry of pain and saw fit to help releave it just enough to keep me from screaming then I sure needed to thank him by continuing to pray.

I know I am seeming to partially ramble on about the pain, but I just don't know how to make anyone understand what it is that I am going through. There is really no explanation I have ever been able to give to anyone to make them understand what this feels like on a daily basis, and to be told that I am most likely going to have to live this way for the rest of my life is just crazy and scary. I admit that I am scared beyond words at what my life is going to be like. How much longer can I keep telling everyone it is fine I will be ok don't worry I will make it through this, no honey you go and do your job don't worry I can handle the house and the kids, though everything I am saying I will do because it has to be done and someone has to do it. With it just being me here I will do it to the best of my ability. I know there is only so much a family can do to help and really what is complaining to anyone gonna do but drag them down and then they still don't get it they just feel sorry for me and that is not what I want. I don't like people treating me like I can't do anything even though the doctors are telling me that I am not supposed to be. I am staying off my leg the best I can but someone has to take care of the kids and the house and make sure everyone is fed. Adger does everything he can to try and keep me down when he is home and I love him for it. But I am sure even he is tired of me not really being able to do anything. And what happens in July when he leaves us for 7-8 months. Its just gonna be me and the kids again. And when I start thinking about that I start to cry and I don't want the kids to see that either. Right now I am just so depressed and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I don't know what is gonna make this even the tinest bit better. Between being scared and hurt and worried and lonely most of the time I just don't know how I am ever gonna get out of this hole I am in?
And with that worried question I am gonna sign off for now I will come back again and try to drown more of my sorrows this way, maybe it will help maybe it wont. Maybe one of my family who reads this will have an idea and then again maybe they will just be one more person I feel I am complaining too.