I have been diagnosed with CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome in my left leg. There is no cure for this, basically I am being told I will be in pain the rest of my life. They can try to make me more comfortable with pain medications and have offered me a few other options that are scaring the hell out of me to think about. I have to watch a DVD on a device that they would implant into my hip but has a rod that gets connected to the nerve endings in my spine. They have also discussed yet another nerve block, which I am not sure I even want to have done since both the doctor and I are sure that it wont do anything to help in the first place. So until then they have me on quite a bit of medication that I have had to learn to take on a specific schedule just to make sure I can take care of my children. I can't take it when I am going to need to drive the car or if we are going to have a long haul with homework to do. I have people who make all kinds of comments about the types of medications I am on and how they are not appropriate for someone who is taking care of children. Or the people who accuse me of only claiming to be in pain for the medications, and the ones who say there is no way I am in as much pain as I say I am in. Or how I am constantly complaining of pain. Well guess what I don't give a rats ass what you think about my pain or the medication that goes along with it. I have days where the pain is just bareable enough to make it through the day. This last week I have been in pain that has been so unbareable this last week my children saw something I hoped they never would, they had to watch me roll around in pain crying and screaming in my pillow. Not something I antisipated and ever wanted to happen I prefer not to scare my children and that is just what I did and it really sucks. But you do what you gotta do when you are the only one around taking care of the kids. Oh yes I didn't mention, that not only am I the mother of 4 children but I am also a Navy wife, so my husband is not home a lot. Like this last week where I woke up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and fell getting up out of bed because I had no feeling in my foot, it swelled up so bad it had turned blue. I managed to not only go to the bathroom but wake up all my sleeping children and get us all to the ER so it could be checked out. Just to be sure I didn't have anymore blood clots in my leg causing this new issue. Luckily there were not any and when we finally left the hospital it was almost 930 am. My husband was gone and I had but no choice to take my kids with me. I am very capable even on this medication to raise my kids. I don't like to be told different. I don't any mother likes to be told they can't take care of their own children. Anything as simple as a new mom being told she is doing it wrong to a mom with 4 kids oldest 12 youngest 7 and being told I was crazy to have woken all my kids up to go to the ER. If I am doing it so damn wrong how did my children make it to 12, 11, 9, and 7? But that is for a different blog!
I talked to my mom today who is the one person who I have always felt that no matter the pain I can talk to about it and she always shows me sympathy when it is needed and yells at me when it is needed or even when I feel it may not be needed but it is how she is expressing she is scared for me being on all this pain medication. I know she loves me and she always will but I also know that there are only so many times you can tell a person you hurt or you are in pain before you feel like they are tired of hearing it. So most of the time I keep it bottled up inside and I don't tell anyone how bad it is hurting and I trudge through whatever it is that has to get done. Usually makes things hurt more and then I still have no one to talk to about it. I am at a point where I don't even know how I get through a day without screaming at the top of my lungs or crying my eyes out at least twice a day. I pray a lot and I don't expect an answer right away because that would just be stupid. I know even that takes time in itself. I have gotten my own little miricale from God once with all this pain. I was in such unbareable pain and I was in the hospital waiting for my pain meds and had a screw sticking out of the side of my knee and it was taking forever for the nurse to come in with the medication. I began to pray the Our Father over and over and over again and my pain began to subside I said that prayer for like an hour even after the nurse had finally come in and given me the shot I still prayed. I figured if God had heard my cry of pain and saw fit to help releave it just enough to keep me from screaming then I sure needed to thank him by continuing to pray.
I know I am seeming to partially ramble on about the pain, but I just don't know how to make anyone understand what it is that I am going through. There is really no explanation I have ever been able to give to anyone to make them understand what this feels like on a daily basis, and to be told that I am most likely going to have to live this way for the rest of my life is just crazy and scary. I admit that I am scared beyond words at what my life is going to be like. How much longer can I keep telling everyone it is fine I will be ok don't worry I will make it through this, no honey you go and do your job don't worry I can handle the house and the kids, though everything I am saying I will do because it has to be done and someone has to do it. With it just being me here I will do it to the best of my ability. I know there is only so much a family can do to help and really what is complaining to anyone gonna do but drag them down and then they still don't get it they just feel sorry for me and that is not what I want. I don't like people treating me like I can't do anything even though the doctors are telling me that I am not supposed to be. I am staying off my leg the best I can but someone has to take care of the kids and the house and make sure everyone is fed. Adger does everything he can to try and keep me down when he is home and I love him for it. But I am sure even he is tired of me not really being able to do anything. And what happens in July when he leaves us for 7-8 months. Its just gonna be me and the kids again. And when I start thinking about that I start to cry and I don't want the kids to see that either. Right now I am just so depressed and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I don't know what is gonna make this even the tinest bit better. Between being scared and hurt and worried and lonely most of the time I just don't know how I am ever gonna get out of this hole I am in?
And with that worried question I am gonna sign off for now I will come back again and try to drown more of my sorrows this way, maybe it will help maybe it wont. Maybe one of my family who reads this will have an idea and then again maybe they will just be one more person I feel I am complaining too.
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